Ah. A sore throat is just what I’ve needed. At 2AM, I broke down and took a sleeping pill which now progressively makes me drugged (morphine-like, I guess?).
But I’m still feeling kinda awesome, you know? I used to be sick, but didn’t have a damn pill to make me sleep, an awesome phone with a good music on it, playing from pretty good earphones, good friends to email tomorrow, nice memories of former friends or freedom to go wherever I like. My life is quite good.
I felt more today than I usually do. It was probably still sub-par in comparison to average people, but it was enough to remind me of my teenage years, back when I felt a lot. When I was scared of girls (not really), back when I was crazy enough for random trips, walking alone, running in winter, falling in love with girls I’ve passed on street… So immature and yet full of emotions, unlike the emotional husk I’m these days sometimes.
I’d like to mention that I’m falling asleep while writing this.
Impulsive and undecided. Sound, but stubborn. Shy, but bold. I haven’t really changed at the core. I’ve polished and brushed the details, I’m more tactful, I can communicate with more kinds of people, I can mask my moods depending on what the circumstances require, I’ve learned a lot about myself, other people, the world. Every year I look back a year and see how primitive I was back then – so it’s not all bad.
I need sleep now.
I hate when internet connection in subway doesn’t work as readily as I’d expect to. I hate sweating on a bus home. I hate knowing there’s more to be done than time allows. I hate not having enough time to read books. I hate closing myself to opportunities and possibilities.
I’m not really aiming anywhere. Just an old-fashioned rant, you know? Good old almost-monologue.
Eqvvs by nature, timid creature, ready to run away. Eqvvs by nature, timid creature, cares nothing for the plans they’ve made.
I’ve counted my expenses for this month and even when the expenses will be much bigger the income, there will still be a chunk of money left. Even when I know I’ll have unexpected expenses with the move soon, I still have problem wanting to save the money. You see, my view on money is the same as on chocolate. Chocolate does me no smegging good in the drawer. Chocolate is made to be consumed, and it works its charm when it’s consumed (or gifted, etc), and a while longer, while it’s being digested. And then it turns to shit.
Money does you no good laying on the bank account. Sure, saving money is the best way to afford anything that’s bigger than your regular disposable income, but until that moment, it’s virtually useless. You can’t eat money you have, you can’t eat money you’ve had, you can’t eat money you will have. Wealth is only as good as things you can get in exchange for it.
Of course, I’m not completely serious here. I know some people would agree, some people would present sound reasons why this logic is flawed, some people would come with economic theory bullshit I don’t care one bit about now. I didn’t claim I’m actually right, but I really don’t need to concern myself where and why I’m wrong.
I do, however, agree with one thing – “money are for protection” – which is the closest to the citation of one verse from Bible (Proverbs, probably) I remember now. I’ve never had a problem understanding that having a financial reserve is a good thing. More so if I have debts (yes, that’s a plural).
So anyway, rants start suddenly, they end suddenly. So again, I have no point to make, actually, no.
While there’s something in twitter-like posting, I still don’t feel there’s much I can use it for. First, I’m usually unable to express myself briefly. Second, I don’t like building someone else’s content base. Well, not unless it’s very convenient for me, like Flickr for instance.
So anyway, here I am in a bus, testing out the Wordpress for Blackberry, thinking about how I always wanted something like this (and I’m not sarcastic). Really, ask my classmates, I’ve wanted something with QWERTY keyboard (at least) since I was 15 – ironically, at that time, it was Nokia 9000 Communicator. Well, it took me only 10 years, and it’s BlackBerry 9000 Bold instead.
I’ve remembered that I have at least 2 drafts hanging around. It’s not the first time I took a break from blogging, and not posting anything since April isn’t really something surprising or unusual; still, I don’t feel comfortable with it for several reasons.
The first reason is probably introspection. I miss it.
random hair
Solution: scratch useless things from to-do list, simplify life, move to Prague (and thus save 5-10hrs a week on commute).
The second problem might be the new life. I’ve moved to different location a few times before. But never before I’ve lost contact with so many good people. I miss them, some more than the others, but there’s no easy solution for that. So I’ll just remind myself to think about it every now and then. The lack of time to think about it probably adds to the general lack-of-introspection discomfort.
As usual, I haven’t reserved nearly enough time to write this, and the book about writing is still left bookmarked after the first few pages. I need to read more.
I’ve always been the whiny one, the self-pitying drama queen. Not an extreme case of one, probably not even an obvious case, maybe a lot of people haven’t even been affected by it. However, I’ve always came to the point after complaining too much, where I got annoyed and bored by listening to me talk. So, luckily, I’ve complained less and less over time. I believe this process is also a part of that “maturing” process, whatever that is.
It feels strange. Now, me, a strong pessimist, sometimes a cynical nihilist, I am now being called the positive guy, the voice of hope and reason among critical skeptics. What. The. Funk. Unbelievable, really. While it was nice to hear the praise about how I’m supportive when everyone has a negative attitude, it was also scary.
Not only it automatically puts more responsibility on the table (which I expect and accept), but it puts me into position, into a mind set that’s alien to me. On one hand, I’ve learned not to worry (give or take my mood swings), but being the one that people turn to when they’re down? FFS.
I liked to praise my close, fragile friends for being strong when they didn’t feel like it. They were strong, even if they didn’t see it, it was never an empty compliment. However, me being viewed as strong? Don’t get me wrong, it’s much better than being weak-willed, submissive, two-faced bastard, but it also pushes me into territories unknown, giving me a potential to grow and support my friends, but still, there’s something very wrong with the world when *I* am the one who’s being considered positive among his peers.
My bank routinely scans clients’ accounts and automatically offers hassle-free loans to the eligible. I’ve been their client for a year now, and I haven’t received an offer when I’ve hoped I’d see one. Well, a few days back an offer appeared. For $15′000. Not much? Think again. I could live at least year and a half from that sort of money, not far from Prague. So it’s two years’ worth of basic needs, all calculations expecting I wouldn’t have to pay it back during that time, and I wouldn’t have any other income. But I have a job that covers my needs, so I don’t need a loan to survive.
Even if I omit that I’d have to pay back about 50% more within 5 years, and that the world is in crisis that might get hella worse and I might lost my job, and money might lose their value dramatically, I am stuck with another problem. What the heck would I do with 15 grand?
Car? Car is useful, but I don’t have a license, and I don’t really need it. House or apartment? That would be madness with such interest rate, and anyway, absolutely not enough to buy one. 150k would be more like it, and I’d have to pay it back my whole life, which is absolutely not what I intend to do. What else practical could I use? Furniture, sure. But since I intend to move world, I don’t want to spend money on something I’d need to lug around. So even if I did, all I need is a chair and a few shelves instead of bulky cupboards. $1000 would be more than enough. Appliances like fridge and washing machine, I have available.
Digital camera? Sure, DSLR would be awesome. Except that I wouldn’t use it that much, and I can buy more than sufficient equipment for $1000. $2000 if I was a snob and bought good lenses and tripods and stuff. Yes, I know, there are professional cameras/equipment that could chew ten grand like nothing, but what for? I would enjoy it for a while, then put on a shelve for a month, never really using it to its full potential, paying $300 a month for next five years. OK, I need a new computer. That’s something I use every day. But… I’ll be a selfish bastard and buy one worth over $1000 that more than covers my needs, and? I’ll buy ten, twelve computers? Five computers and four high-end laptops? Ugh. What else would I like… cell phone? OK, that’s $750 if I try hard.
OK, traveling is good, right? Sure it is. You broaden your horizons, you experience stuff, you’re hopefully getting smarter. But I don’t feel like traveling all the time. Super-expensive trip would only make me feel bad for paying so much for an experience that I would remember whole life, and pay for it equally long. Normal trips aren’t that expensive, but then again, there’s only so much time I can spend when I have a job and there are activities that I enjoy that don’t require traveling. And currently I don’t really have an imagination for places I’d want to visit. I do want to travel, but you need to be in an accessible mood to really soak in and enjoy the experience to the fullest.
OK, what about selfless stuff? Gifts for friends. Sure, gifts are awesome. But there is such thing as inappropriate gift, even when it comes just to the price of it. OK, I could buy laptops or gadgets to my male coworkers. They know how much I earn, they know how much such things cost, there is a kaleidoscope of awkward feelings they could have. Most probably, any true friendship would go to hell quickly. Don’t get me even started on female friends. The list of possible things that could go wrong is amazing, given that most of them are taken. Another option would be to just continuously spend money on small gifts, meals, drinks, that kind of stuff. Once again, it could either take a general direction of them trying to use me, or them feeling awkward for not being to pay back. Also, I don’t want to encourage that kind of irresponsibility.
Charity? OK, 15k over 5 years is an average of $250 a month that I could give to charity. Paying back the interest to the bank, it would make $125 a month that would NOT go to the charity, but to the bank. But I don’t trust charitable trusts. Even if they’d be honest, they still operate with overhead, and none of their causes have any real, permanent effect. Hell, and why would I spend $375 a month on charity, when there are billions going into arms? Let’s say there’s just a billion per month spent on arms. It would take 2.6M idiots like me to match that kind of money and give it to charity. Not to mention that money spent on weapons are almost directly countering the effect of charity. Thanks, no, I’ll rather help people personally, there is still a lot of opportunities.
No, I didn’t expect money to buy me happiness. I knew that. I knew money don’t have any real value, once they cover your basic needs. But seriously, I wouldn’t expect not to be able to come up with a way to reasonably spend $15k, in a way I wouldn’t regret. And I am an impulsive buyer. I’m pretty bad with money. OK, I would probably spend that kind of cash rather quickly if they were just mine and not a terrible, possibly crippling loan. Still, I’d buy a PC, maybe a new lappy, new cell phone, some furniture, pay back my loans, support my family, buy some gifts, take a vacation, buy a DSLR. Still, that isn’t $15k. I’d probably try to freelance for a while, and work on my projects, but I know I wouldn’t be able to discipline myself to being productive enough.
So yeah. I’m not too corruptible, at least not with money.
Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You’re losing the calling that you’ve been faking
And i’m not kidding
It’s damned if you don’t and it’s damned if you do
Be true ’cause they’ll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you’re not worth a thing
Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
And everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.
I once was lost but now i’m found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming
Metal heart you’re not hiding
Metal heart you’re not worth a thing
Metal heart you’re not hiding
Metal heart you’re not worth a thing
IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Old Smokey Mountain (John Lennon)
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Pan Tečka (Tata Bojs)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Zombie (The Cranberries)
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
All I Want (R.E.M.)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
If You Wear That Velvet Dress (U2)
WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Love You To (The Beatles)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Linger (The Cranberries)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Crazy (Tori Amos)
(hell yeah)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Pink Cloud (Blümchen)
(nuh-uh!)
WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Trans Mission (Adam F.)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Powerline Misfortune (Boards Of Canada)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Over And Over (Moloko)
(hell yeah)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
What Do U Want Me 2 Do? (Prince) (WTF is such song even doing here?)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Jet Set (Alphaville)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Don’t Panic (Coldplay)
rofl. srsly.
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ride A White Horse (Goldfrapp)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
At The Heart Of It All (Aphex Twin)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Michael Jackson (Beat It)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Vermin (Gescom)
WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Theswere (Autechre)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Your Mirror (Simply Red)
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Endgame (R.E.M.)
No, seriously. I don’t have any secret vermin.
I wish I could say something more profound, but alas, lately I’ve had plenty of communication, actually more than I could handle; but I guess it’s a good thing, at least I’m not depressed.
However, there are mails and facebook messages unanswered; there are articles unread, music unlistened, games unplayed, projects that haven’t been started yet, not even on a high-level design level.
Oh well. There are things that occupy me, and there are things that make me quite happy, on different depth of happiness. On the shallow end, there is that package from Amazon with 4 books, 2 DVDs and one 5-disc Blu-ray set that I have nowhere to play; there are several games I’ve purchased and not finished; or maybe finished, but not really played them thoroughly (Fallout 3, SBCG4AP). There is new WordPress 2.7 that I’ve installed today, and it makes me very happy (for a software).
I need to start making lists again. I want to watch tutorial videos for GECK, I want to maybe make a mod for Fallout 3 or TES IV, I want to make my own living world simulation[s and games], I want to make one ORM, I want to work on FXGAS and start making web games with it; I want to try out development for cell phones (so many options – Flash lite? Symbian? Java ME? Android?), I want to publish articles about web development and push Open Web standards, I want to reply to all the emails, I want to build online communities, I want to read a lot of books, I want to write reviews of them and earn money with blogging… etc.
It’s a funny time of year. I can see there’ll be no blossom on the trees.
It is a surprisingly warm night. I was falling asleep when I suddenly remembered that I could take a walk outside. Still in my sweatpants that aren’t meant to see the light of the day, I took the coat and went for a walk in the woods. I must admit there was more adrenaline involved than I’d like to, but as a matter of fact, I haven’t seen or met anyone, and it was only 11PM.
Lovely yellow leaves covered most of the ground in the outskirts of the forest. I still had some remains of a good judgment in me and avoided going into deep forest and just walked across the field. The grass was wet and soft. I wanted to lie down and watch the stars, but even if it wasn’t cloudy, my concern was to not get dirty, and to avoid catching cold.
Strange tracks in the high grass reminded me of the night in Piešťany, where I spent entire night out, and when I was walking around 3AM through the forest, I saw a 2 hooded figures, most probably young satanists doing some creepy ritual, who crouched with a small delay when they saw me. I smiled at that gesture and calmly resumed walking, happy that they didn’t decide to confront me. (They probably were making some vegan sacrifice, I have later found only a pumpkin and some rags on that place. Or maybe they were raping that pumpkin? Who knows.)
This night has also reminded me of bi-polarity, bi-polar people, impulsive midnight walks and who knows what else. Which is ironic, because I was just today telling Morphine how I’ve been pretty stable recently. Well, it still isn’t irony at its finest; I’m pretty sure I could do much worse.
I should be sleeping anyway.
It’s really been a while, and not just since I’ve been last “blogging”. It’s been a while since I was last “regularly” sick. I’ve had smaller headaches, stomachaches, periods of sudden dizziness, one day colds and similar small-scale discomforts. The point being, it’s been some 7 months that I haven’t been “stay-in-bed sick”. Which is quite a success, because it wasn’t unusual for me to be sick twice in two months, mostly during the winter if I remember correctly.
Yes, it’s about the time I admitted I’ve been wrong. And stubborn – when it came to my habits of wearing warm clothes, especially mitts, scarves and caps. Even when I hate lies, falsehood and everything fake, I guess I liked fooling myself; even transforming in into style. Come to think of it, yes, a lot of people use “style” as an excuse to cling to their mistakes and wrong decisions. I don’t have anything in particular on mind right now, it’s a very gray area anyway.
So, in coming months, I will be tested again, and I’ll ask the question “Have I learned?” again. I would not be surprised if I wouldn’t show signs of significant progress, and thus failing by my own standards, which makes me a hypocrite, I guess. We’ll see. I can’t say that I won’t try, but I guess it will be obvious if I care enough to try hard enough.
We didn’t really try to dodge each other. We just made a faint suggestion of moving left and right and left again, to dodge each other, and then we smiled. It was sweet. Then I went my way and she moved in the general direction of checkout lines and I continued shopping.
Another bus stopped next to our bus in the traffic. I scanned it for interesting faces and didn’t really find any, but I continued looking. The girl with long alanis-morissette-like (would it be easier to say “dark, long, wavy”?) hair that was resting her head on the window, sitting in the opposite direction, looked at me with tired morning look and then we both turned away for a split second. I smiled slightly, and she did too. I smiled more, and she did too. I had to look away, because I felt like I’m getting too intimate with her. A minute later, after our bus has moved forward and got stuck again, the other bus rode by. I’m pretty sure I caught her curious glimpse.
It’s hard to explain. It’s like being exhausted.
When you’re exhausted, you can hardly move heavy crates. The more you’re exhausted, the harder it is to even pick them up, until you can barely walk. My “condition” manifests in the same way. I can’t talk. You could kill be, and I still wouldn’t be able to say a word – because it’s just beyond my strength, and frankly, because I don’t even want to try.
I’ve swallowed a few pills. It will be OK in a few hours. It will be OK.
i’ve been thinking of you so much this evening.
you make me so unbelievably happy.
i’m so totally and completely in love.
i’ll now go to sleep dreaming of you.
until tomorrow, my love…
And I feel the same.
Actually, you’ve found me. You’ve seen me first. You’ve sent me a “friend request”, and I was the only one you’ve ever sent it to. I was the first to post a shout and send you the first message. You were the first to send me and email. And it was all damn fast since then.
You had a dream about me first.
You’ve made me cry first.
You’ve missed me so much that you cried first.
I’ve moved you to tears just by unexcitedly telling you one parallel about anger management.
It’s all new to both of us.
Sometimes I miss the days when my blog was my diary and not just blog. When I just wrote what happened and what I was thinking about and what I was thinking, without the need to obfuscate for strangers, because I do like my privacy after all.
My love is probably at the doctor’s now. Which is first reason not to think this is the best day ever. My love will be afk today, which is the second reason not to smile all day like an autistic kid.
Also, I feel like shit, I have a fabulous low pressure which makes me feel like throwing up every now and then, plus my stomach keeps acting up, which doesn’t need to be described more closely. If that wasn’t enough, my debit increase wasn’t allowed by the bank, which means I’m screwed… until I find some other source of money, which I’ve carelessly spent on my new Lappy. And ‘tis a low-end lappy, mind you.
See? I’m talking to strangers again. It was so much more fun to talk to myself in my paper diaries, reading them years later and laughing how dumb I was at that time, yet still enjoying the insider jokes which surprised me every now and then. But the diaries are gone. Person I’ve used to call My [RandomTermOfEndearment] Twin read them, and when we parted, I asked her to burn them instead of returning them to me. I thought I’d never be able to share my innermost self with someone else. And voila, I did. And I will do it again and again, as long as I will be able to speak and she will be able to listen.
I still know she will make me smile as soon as we talk.